Luna 13 advise columne
lehtres answeired july 10:
i went to a wedding recently and i had to dance with the bride to the song muskrat love by captain and teneal ...ever since i have been squeaking alot and last night i tryed to dig a hole in the floor with by bare hands .....please advise......ODDLY GREEN
dEere OddEly GrreenNe,
Dihdde yoo whirrlle annde Twirrlle and Tanngo? yOouu Maye havee been spRayyed with musSK -- muSskrattz have sceNnte glAandes neare theire taills. oRr maYyybe you bougghhte and arre wearring Chheappe Jovan cologne. Jjuste tahke a bathe, annde ScCrubbe good, annde avvoide pherromonnes.
* * * *
Dear Luna -- With Mother's day just a month away I was wondering what I should do for my mother on that special day. Should I just have a tasteful floral arrangement placed on her grave and have a memorial mass said for her or should I dig her up and take her out too dinner too her favorite restaurant when she was alive?? SINcerely , Social Death
dEere Social Deathe,
sOoree I didnnt annswer your lehtre in tIime for mothhere's dayy. Bhhut for nexte Yeeare ... whyye not Hhholde a seance and thenne tahkke her spirite outte? iHtt woullde be lesse hardde labour, yoou wonnt needDe a sHovelle, and itts naught soo smelhly for othher peeoples.
lehtres answeired augguste 15:
I vant to create a monster like dat udder Doctor, but I don't know vear to start. How do you keep the pieces togedder? Carazy glue, duck tape or vhat? And de parts dat I've bin diggin up smell funny. Shud I vash dem first or make de finished monster take a bath? And dare isn't a lot of lightning avound here, can I use a battery, like the vone vith dat nasty pink bunny on de tv? If I haft to use de outlet plug, vould it make my electricicle bill go up much?
Baron Von FrankenPutz
iN thiss day anDe age, yoo dont neede to dIgg up boddys. tHiss is the tWhennty-fIrste cEntturie. jUste mahke frReindes withe a moRrtiician or morrgue empLoyee, bEccauuse gEttinge the fReshe parRts iss behttre. otTherwise, thEere iss no gehttiNG the smelLinesse oute of yorre carr, or yorrE new fRriende.
eYE reccommeennde buYYing a copPee of ThIISs book foRr proper assEmmblage. and Mmayyebee the bOsstone Museeum of Science can lette yoo use theyre lightnning macchination. See hheere.
* * * *
I just read your letters of July 12, and I have a question... What do you have against maggots? They're actually quite tasty. I like them, live, on pizza. I just have to watch them very carefully, so they don't crawl off of the pie. I can send you some recipes, if you'd like.
dEere docKtore dissgustnng,
eEye dont haffe a pRoblemme with maggotes. i thInkke its mean to frye tHemme alive inN a skilLette, thoGhh, liHke the persoNne askedd.
Luna doessnt eate the bugGsez becausee savINngs themme for heEr freiNdde, rennFielde.
lehtres answeired july 12:
I think that my boyfriend is a werewolf, he's all hairy and stuff. How can I be sure? He is Italian and from New Jersey, after all.
Sincerely, Quizzical Queen
DeEre Quizzical Queen,
wHhen hee BiTez yoo, do Yoou get alle HaiiRry too? iff So, thenn hees a werRewolfe. iff no, theN he juStte needs eLlectrollyssses. elecctroliSsis. eLllectrol ... lAsser hayre rEmovalle. oAr may-bee juSte some tTWwweeezers. orr Nair.
* * * *
Dear Luna -- Do you really like to do things to people you do not like,work. Like fry maggots on a skillet and make your enemys eat them.
noO i donot mAake peeoplE do badd thINngs. eYE donnt have eNemyes, iI lyke peOople and mayke frEiends. I do havve anenOmes, thHouugh.
thEye donot eAte maggOtsS eitHHer but theyE arre fRieeends withe tHe fIIshies.
* * * *
Dear Luna -- for the past week I have been having horrific nightmares of being in the audience of a Phil Collins concert. I awake abruptly in a cold sweat and screaming like a washed up B-movie actress. Is it just a dream or am I under demonic attack? Do I just need therapy or an exorcism?
SINcerely , Social Death
PS -- if I need an exorcism does dr.manfred Von Bulow work on a sliding scale?
DeEre Social Death,
mAnny iss semi-ReeTyred. yOou shouUld stopp lisTennning to "iN the Aiire toNIte" bee-kAuse it is givvinG yoUu nyGhtmarres. neXxt tiime, liSsten too sUrfrf rock liIke Dick dAle beeFouur yoou go sLeeppy-weepy. tHeen yoou wille have Shhark dreamms witch aRre cooler.
lehtres answeired june 27:
Dear Luna -- I am the neighbor of THE BEAST (my house number is 667) and it is very annoying living next too him! It's not that I have anything against him per se it's just that when a sacrifice escapes (which is often) late in the night there is a lot of screaming , flood lights, barking hell hounds and heavily robed figures running amuck. Needless too say this disturbs my sleep and I am a zombie the next day. I have many times told my neighbors minions too stop using that cheap nylon rope and too use leather straps but will they listen too me? Noooooo , they keep telling me they are on a very tight budget and they just can't afford it. And being the nice guy that I am I have offered too buy the leather straps for them but for some reason they are insulted by this and refuse by generosity! The nerve! Should I continue too try and make peace with my neighbor and his cult or should I recruit the other neighbors in my neighborhood too storm his house with lit torches and pitchforks (I will of course supply the torches and pitchforks) and drive him out??
SINcerely , Social Death
deEre Social Death,
yoo knowe, yOou shouldde probabbhly juste move. thHe beasSTee iss naught tHe moste thouGhhtefull naaye-boar. Ahlsso, hee coude probabbhly wINn inN a fyghte.
* * * *
I think that my girlfriend might be a werewolf! Every month, for about a week, she starts to act really strange and yells, complains and growls alot. She also has strange carvings, like pickles and ice cream. The rest of the month, she's a really sweet girl. I don't know what to do. Is there any help for her?
dUuringg thHatt weeke, yuour girrlfreende iss Honnorring a tiime-hOnnored trAdditshun andde youU shoUldhe give hHerr alle the pIckless shhe wAnnts. Shhee doEssn't neeDe hellpiNg, bhutt yoou will neeDe hellp iff you do notte give Herr thHee picklesss.
* * * *
When I graduate, I was thinking of going to a local college, but I saw a guy walking around there today with pointed ears and fangs and horns. Do demons really take day classes or are my eyes playing tricks on me? Other than you, I don't know who to ask. I'm afraid that people will think that I'm crazy!
p.s. He was the one that told me about Shilling Shockers, so he can't be all bad, I guess.
dOo naught feaare the sTudenntz witHh pOintty ears, fanggs annde hornNz ... theyye arre jUsste goth kiddz. wEe loves thEe gothHics bee-cause theeye wAtche houur showes ... yOourre rigGhte, theyye areennt alle tHhaat badde.
lehtre answeired may 24:
Dear Luna -- I'd like an ice cream cake, but don't know much about them. How long do they have to be baked, and at what temperature?
eYe nehver tryyed to bakE an iCee creem cake beffoorr, so wheNn eyyee got yourr lehtre, Ii dEciidedD to mahke one so as too givVe yoo advise ...
eYe putt the cAakke inn thee oVenn annnd itt gott alL runney. Eeeye tryyed againne. iTt mehltTed againne. tHhenn Ii tryyed scReeming att it, IIICEREAMM EYYESCREAM too see iff yoo haff to yelle too mahke an 'iI sCreEeam' caAke, but thee nexst one stILlL mehlted too.
SoOo, eyEe thinke yoo shulde go to Carvelll. TheYye wille give yoo one thatz alle done ande hass thee cHoc-olahte crUunnchies. I LIHKE CRUnNNChIES!
lehtre answeired may 9:
Dear Luna -- I'm having an awful problem with vampires, and I'm not sure what to do. Someone told me to use a steak to kill them, but they neglected to tell me what kind. Porterhouse, rib eye, T-bone... Which one works best? And should I cook it, or try to get them to eat it raw? If I cook it for them, what's the best way? Broiled, roasted, pan fried... I think that I understand how it works, they die from high cholesterol, right? I don't know if I can wait that long, I'm running out of garlic bread!
Dien Ki Dow
deEre Dien Ki Dow,
Ii do naught lihke to kill tHe vammpiresz ... thay tickkle mye necke withH affekctione. i will aske my frieNde manny voNn Bulloww aboute it for helpeing the advise .... hayYy manny, lookeeie heeEre ...
....hey there, True Believer, this is von Bulow taking over this post. I mean, do you REALLY want Luna giving you life and death advice about killing fiends and ghouls? I didn't think so. Sure, she'll spin you a fine yarn about kitty cats, rainbows, and electro-shock therapy, but you've got a yen for the the true vanilla straight from the bean, and I'M gonna give it to you. Ja!
You know, it's a common misconception that it's the stake that kills the vampire, but really it's all about the garlic. That's right. In fact you don't even really need a stake--any old garden variety meat-loaf, roast, or shish-kabab will do. (Haven't you heard the old gag, "Sheesh? Where's my kabab?" "Punching a gap in Drac's ticker, you Drone!" Old Varsarian barber humor. Gotta love it.)
Anyway slip a fin to your local Sam the Butcher and get a decent shank or other cut of meat, braise, roast, or Q it as you see necessary, and smother that mother with onions, mushrooms, and yes, megatons of "The Stinking Rose". Then, invite your local crypt walkers over for a nice dinner. "Yeah, hey, I was thinking you might come over tomorrow night for a bite and a nice Chianti." (They can't resist that one...) Your typical bloodsucker will have a pretty keen nose for the G-herb, so BEWARE. Get 'em nice and tight on bathtub hootch (I prefer And*e, the Cadillac of cheap sparkling wine--go with "Cold Duck") before you present the feast in full and when they take a bite--WHAMMO! More shock and awe than that scene where Brad and Janet realize they've been jawing on bat outta h-e-double hockey sticks. Ja!
Vengefully yours, MvB
lehtre receeivd apryll 24:
Dear Luna -- How is da best way to get blood stains from outta the trunk of a car? I was tinking dat I could find some vampire or sumptin. Do youse got any ideas? Another question. How do youse keep dead bodies from floating in dah river? I keep tossing dem in, but they keep floatin back up. Does you tink Garou might like dem for a snack?
tHe vammpiresz kreE-ate morre stainzes thann thay cann tHake awayy ... thaye cann be mesSsy eaatersz, lehttingg the bloodE spurhte fromm the jugularr all ovar thHe place. vammpireesz donnt suck up bloOde lihKe a Hhooover vaccuuum. tRyye leeeches insteade, thay fastTen onto a spott and suck foor a lonnge time..
Ahlso, Garouuu oNLee eats whate he katchess himmSlef, or whatt peNNy cookes. iff yoo wante too feEde somme-one somme-thinge alhready deADe, trye ghettinG some petT vulturessz.
lehtre receeivd apryll 16:
Dear Luna - for the past week I have had a very nasty cold. I have tried many over the counter and conventional means to get rid of it. Do you have any home remedies of yours that you can tell me so I can get rid of this cold once and for all? Thank you for your adivce! SINcerely , Social Death
deEre Social Death,
EYe know its much harRder too get goode meDicines becaaus they out-laweed the Spseudoafedphrine -- byt yoo kan contacte a local apothecarry or witche-docktorr for home-made concocTiones. bEee careefull and ohnlee visit the ones with living patiennce/ ... Yoou kan ahlso trye to garggoyle with salt-y water and tHhenn hacke and coughe into a jarr and buRRy it in a desert so yoUu kan sweat out the siCkenesse. MahKe shure to sleep alott tooo. iF naughhte else workS, then trye the leechHess ... theEY wont get ridde of The ColDe, byt the bloode-loss wyll tahke yoUrr minde offf the poste-nasal drIpppP...
lehtre receeivd apryll 2:
Dear Luna -- With the recent pet food recall, what should I feed my were-cat? I'm also running out of worms for my lizard-man. Can you suggest any alternatives?
dEere docKtore dissgustnng,
yourr wwhere-cat should be hunt-ing for ittselff bye now ... in thee wildeness. Youu dont neede to feEde theese prettie-kittieess ... thee where-cats hUntt aminals occupie-ing the terrORtorries theyy inhabbittz, incluuding ungulates (ffrromm the Latin meaning "hoof-edd) and thee smahller prey lihke amphhibianns, the birdses, fiishhies, bugzs, annd so onn ...
whYle it is realle Kute and funn to hande-feed lIzzardd-men when youu gett them, it iS a realle payne as theyy get oldher. LEavve out sohme greenZes and Fruitez -- wigglyng them -- my oldhe lizzierd-man lyked to steale broccolii from my dinnerr plate ... bhut be carreFuLl of acid-ic fruitz or greenZes, the liIzardy consstitutionn canNott handell it welle at allll...
lehtre receeivd marrch 13:
Dear Luna -- I am hosting a seance in the near future and I am not sure what too wear. Should I dress formally say a tux borrowed from a funeral parlor or just a pair of jeans and a T-shirt? Will my attire and that of my guests attract a certain type of spirits? I do wish only too converse with well educated sorts that we can have an intelligent conversation with. This also raises the question what shall I serve my guests following the seance?? A simple assortment of cookies and finger sandwiches or should I have a buffet? So many things too consider I'm in a fugue state just thinking about it!! Luna , I need your deranged advice! Please Help!! SINcerely, Social Death
dEere Social Death,
bee carefull of the seAhances ... yourr outfitt kould pohsess and kill you eff yoo get a thredded nastee spirhit....Ahlso it depensz on whoo yoo arre summoning az to watt you should ware. Yourr outfitt will nought attracte spirhits .. but yoo mae offende the spirhitS whoo comes if ThEey Arre particularr. mahke Shure to looke pRrettie for GianNi Versace ...
Mhost spirhits doo nought eat alot ... they loose apphetites in non-corporealle forme ... but iff they arre hungrey, yoo shouldd RUN.
mmyy prettiiess... Woode
you lihke my advise?
e-male your quessstionnnss to me -Luna13